The inevitable leap

Here’s my big news, guys:

I quit my job, and I’m going to Nepal.

There are a million feelings and thoughts going through my heart and mind right now, and my list of things to do before I leave in about a month seems infinite.  But for some reason, I know I’m going to be ok and I know this is what I was meant to do.

How this all came about is a long story – a beautiful one, and a spontaneous one, and one that came together in a way that only fate could carefully craft – but it is long and I don’t really have the energy.

Because this is definitely making ripples in the calm, monotony that has been my life for the past year. Stable, 9-5 job. Living in my apartment with my dog and my boyfriend who I would wake up to every morning, and come home to every evening. Then on most weekends I would go home to my parents’, even San Diego to visit my sister every once in awhile. Very normal, very safe, very routine.

I knew I wasn’t done traveling the second I got home from Malta. I knew that that was just a tiny peek at what lies outside my bubble here at home. And even though I moved to LA and got a job and started my “grown-up” life with my “big girl” job, I knew it was inevitable that I would long to get on a plane and go somewhere far. Far outside of my comfort zone again.

So when the opportunity came about, I jumped on it. It just felt right at the time, and that’s as much as I can really say. This was it, this was what I had been waiting for.

I have loved the independence of having my own place, complete with (in my own mind) my Carrie Bradshaw closet with my shoes all proudly displayed, a place to hang my paintings, my dad’s old couch from the 70s that everyone else thinks is ugly. Mine, something to call my own.

I have loved this past year of working at my job. Honestly. Who doesn’t complain from time to time. And if you know me, I’m dramatic as it is. But really, I have a cool gig right by the beach and I get to do some really cool things and I have learned so much. I have met lifelong friends. And my boss let me take my pup to the office. And is totally openminded with my travels and wishes me the best. How lucky did I get?

I have loved being so close to home and with the ability to just swing by my parents’ whenever I want to. Bring roses for mom, collect lemons from her lemon tree, watch Forensic Files marathons. Eat breakfast with my dad, feed the pups and rabbits, teach him how to post on Twitter. With my sisters being a lot further away from home than me, I know they have loved it too.

I have loved this past year of exploring LA with my boyfriend. From hikes with our pup to finding new shaved ice places on Yelp to forcing him to go with me to eat Korean BBQ as often as he’d let me. Even just driving around for hours looking for parking. Just anything and everything together. This year has been trying, but I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

Today, I am lost in the chaos. Of preparing to leave – moving out, tying up loose ends at work, figuring out what I need for my trip. But these are things that will be taken care of, I know this. I know I will get through it and be fine. But I’m leaving my boyfriend for at least a few months. And my mom just started talking to me again (cold shoulder treatment lasted about two weeks). Let’s be real, shit has been stressful.

And if I am feeling this way, I can imagine how the news came to others. I know that my loved ones are feeling an array of emotions – anger, fear, sadness, confusion. This is a selfish move I am making, absolutely. This is 100% for me, and with just me in mind. But I am young, and these are experiences I want for myself. I want to be the best possible me that I can be, and I think that it’s not only the appropriate time to do it – not married, no kids – but these are pivotal years to do it. I am knowledgeable and mature in a sense, but still naive and eager with so much to learn.

Jordan, my childhood friend who I will be traveling with (I’ll give you more details of who he is and exactly why we’re going, but that’s for a subsequent post), gave me an assignment. He told me to write down my intentions, my reasons for going, what I want to gain from this trip, what I hope to accomplish.

I may have to fine tune this, but speaking from the heart and as the thoughts enter my mind, this is it:

I want to live my life constantly challenging myself. I only want to live within my comfort zone for so long. Because even though I know that stepping outside of it comes frustration, doubt, sometimes pain, sometimes heartbreak, it is necessary. Because what is to follow makes it all worth it. I am at my greatest, my most confident, my most inquisitive, creative, independent, determined, self-assured. I am my favorite kind of me when I have overcome it.

Meeting new people and learning new cultures alters perspectives, no matter what. The more I learn the smaller I feel. The more I see, the more insignificant the once significant becomes. The things that matter come to the forefront and I value things and enjoy things in ways that I had forgotten to.

I am an artist. I am an individual with a unique perspective and mode of expression. I want to share it. I want to create. But I also want to expand my palette. I want to see, I want to evolve. I want to be inspired.

These ripples are necessary if my intention is to make waves before my time is up.

Fears and wants

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